Thank you for calling the law firm. You have reached the automated voice-messaging system. If you are calling from a Rotary Phone, you don’t need a lawyer, you need to join the real world. If you are calling from a Touch-Tone phone, press 1 now.
If you know the extension of the person you wish to reach, you may enter that number at any time during this message. If you do not know the extension, press the pound key, now.
If you are calling a partner, press 1.
If you are calling an associate, press 2.
If you are calling a paralegal, press 3.
If you are calling a secretary, call tonight at home.
If you do not know whether you want to speak with a partner or associate, press the numbers corresponding to the hourly rate you expect to pay. Unless you enter a three digit number, you automatically will be connected to Legal Aid.
If at any time you wish to return to the previous menus, you may do so by pressing the star key. If you wish to return to the original announcement, you may do so by pressing the pound key and stating “get me outta here” clearly into the receiver.
If you are a new client, press 1 now.
If you are an existing law firm client, who is current on his bill press 2 now.
If you are presently under indictment, press 3 now.
If you know your case number, press 1 now.
If you do not know your case number, but do know your last name, please enter the first three letters of your last name now.
You have entered J,O,N. If this is Mr. Curtis Jones, your mortgage and deed of trust documents will be ready Thursday. If this is Jonas Investment Group, the deal with Bayside Industries has fallen through, and they have filed suit against you for $17 million. If this is George Jonpo, the governor has denied your motion for stay of execution. If you would like to speak with our estate planners, press 401k, now.
Remember, if at any time you wish to return to the previous menu, you may do so by pressing the star key, which is actually an asterisk, but that is too difficult to say. For further options, press 1 now.
In order to help us serve you better, please respond to the following statements by pressing 1 if you strongly agree, 2 if you strongly disagree and 3 if you don’t give a hoot:
“The law is a cruel mistress.”
“The law is a seamless web.”
“I would like to be stuck in a seamless web with a cruel mistress.”
To receive a free law firm brochure, press 1 now.
To receive an itemized billing statement of your account, press the pound key
once and the star key twice.
To reverse the blades on your home ceiling fan, press the pound key, then the star key, then the pound key again and the star key again.
Please hang up now and your account automatically will be billed for this quarter hour, or press the pound key to be transferred to the automated phone messaging at our new suburban location.
Mitch Margo is a principal at the St. Louis law firm of Curtis, Heinz, Garrett & O’Keefe, PC.