One of America’s mainstays of fund raising has been the sale of organizational cookbooks. For instance, at my house (where gender equity means we share equally in ordering dinner delivery) we have no less than 16 cookbooks published by charitable or arts groups. We have the “Official St. Louis Symphony Cookbook,” the “St. Louis Cardinal Wives Cookbook,” the “American Heart Association Cookbook,” the “Junior League Cookbook,” and so on.
I bring this up only because of a recent announcement that our local Bar Association is considering a cookbook of its own. Although I have not yet been solicited for a recipe, I nevertheless offer my own special concoctions.
One 175 lb. Husband
One 125 lb. Wife
Two young children
One Guardian ad litem
One girlfriend (optional)
3 tbsp. Jealousy
2 tsp. False hopes
2 oz. Hatred
Legal Fees to taste
Separate first two ingredients. Take wife and roll into big ball of nerves. Place in large pot with compromising photographs of husband and girlfriend and simmer for several hours until tender. Add jealousy and stir vigorously.
Hold husband upside down. Empty pockets and stuff with mid-life crisis. Sauté in white wine over hot flame. Set aside in condominium.
Place children halfway between husband and wife. Split lengthwise. Chop, dice, slice and puree until limp. Pour into school container and let chill until bitter.
Run all ingredients through rumor mill. Salt with false hopes and allow to harden for nine months. Add judge and divide into two equal piles. Extract legal fees.
Serves: No one
1 board of directors
5 cups greed
1 corporate raider
1 poison pill
3 golden parachutes
Venture into international marketplace and pluck one mildly successful company providing jobs and income for 1,000 employees. Purchase 5 percent of company’s stock (see recipe for stock on page 10b5) for investment purposes only.
Inspect company carefully to see if fully ripe. Using lever, pry guts out of company and away from shareholders. Reserve excess juices for reuse later. Remove seeds of long-term growth and discard.
Grind up four divisions of company and separate. Place greed in a dark, moist place and allow to rise. Chop salaries and benefits and bring employees to a rolling boil until reduced by half.
Sprinkle golden parachutes over company executives and garnish with poison pill.
(Editor’s note: This dish should always be prepared ahead of time.)